Hi Mom,
How are you doing? I miss you. I miss you a lot.
You haven’t called or texted in a while and we always talk so I wanted to make sure you are ok. I can always feel when you need someone to listen to you and when you need to talk. And you always knew when I needed to vent, so you call and sure enough I was thinking about you. We giggle and chat for a long time and it feels like no time went by during our conversations. You just get me better than anyone else in the world. It’s like God knew what he was doing when he made you my mother.
Your work called me once and your picture appeared on my phone. Goosebumps instantly covered my body. I really thought it was you calling me until I answered and realized it was your work number.
I will never forget your last breath at 9:45pm during the Super Bowl. I’m glad it was peaceful. After your last exhale, there was nothing more. I was holding your hand and telling you it was ok to let go. All of our hands were on you, surrounding you as you left your body. You had been with me my entire life and that was the moment you left to a new place. A place I wish I could see with my own eyes.
I’ve always heard that the two most intimate moments of your life are the moment you are born and the moment you pass away. While it was beyond one of the saddest moments I’ve ever experienced, watching you pass was one of the most intimate moments as the most important people in your life surrounded you and held you.
My head fell on your body as I couldn’t believe I was experiencing the moment I dreaded my entire life. I knew the moment was coming but nothing prepared me for when it actually happened. It felt like someone punched me in the gut as hard as they could. I just wanted to wake up from the awful nightmare. And I still do.
But I could feel your aura pull out of your physical carrier and float above us. As your body began to cool and your color began to whiten, I looked up feeling your presence looking down on all of us as we continued to embrace you.
I remembered the last words you said to me late one evening in the hospital during what would be our last conversation, just you and me. I know I did most of the talking and told you everything I wanted you to hold in your heart forever about our relationship. Even though I know you already knew it all, it was comforting to know you heard me one last time. With your eyes barely open, you slowly whispered “I love you. Go on.” You want me to know that you will always be with me in my heart but to now go on without you here. To go on and be me.
With my eyes drenched and tears flowing down my cheeks, I looked up into your living room as your spirit now lives around us. My body was numb with shock and my mind couldn’t believe all of this was happening.
In the weeks that followed, Abby and I went through the motions to make sure all of the necessary processes went the best they could to celebrate you. We selected the same West Unity funeral home that we used for your parents. We all said goodbye to your beautiful physical body a final time in the church you grew up in and where we celebrated so many great family memories. We know how much your family means to you. We drove past your childhood home on the way to your final resting place on a very cold February day.
The thought of you laying underground in a casket forever forces my body into a panic attack. I can’t even comprehend the reality of the word “forever”. With so many things in our lives we can adjust and change with some sort of control, this is one thing we have no control over.
After we laid you to rest, we proudly celebrated your life in the building that brought you great joy as a teacher. The building where you would be teaching your last year of your career right now before retiring this June and begin living out your years with your soulmate.
We set up a non-profit to carry on your legacy and named it the Live Like Mel Foundation. I think you had some sort of divine intervention when each member of our awards committee last year picked three second grade teachers for the inaugural award, the grade you loved the most! We are honored to keep your memory alive in all of us by helping fellow educators each year! I know you are proud.
Every year on my birthday, I would get a phone call from you first thing in the morning before I began my day. You sang happy birthday to me right when I answered. I giggled knowing that you were smiling and loving how it made me smile. My big 4-0 was this year. I was probably playing late night craps in a casino somewhere in Vegas when you would’ve called me this year. I woke up later after passing out thinking about you calling me wondering if it really happened. I wished it would have.
After my birthday, I published and launched my memoir that I dedicated to you. I know you are so proud of me, I can just feel it. It’s just crazy to think how I can have one of the lowest lows in my life losing you and then three months later have one of the biggest life highs by achieving a lifelong dream of writing a book. And when my book achieved the #1 Best Seller ranking I knew you had something to do with it.
And then the 4th of July came around. In years past you sent out paper invitations to all of the relatives inviting them up to your house each year. Everyone loved getting the mailed invite from you and of course everyone was there this year because who doesn’t love a party at the lake. Relatives from all sides of the family and neighbors that all adore you showed up. We formed a giant circle in your yard and had a moment of silence to collectively celebrate you. You love having everyone together at your place so this was so memorable.
As the summer months passed and Mike found a new place to live, it was time to clean our your house. You had so much stuff! And I think you set a record for the number of photos you took, printed and then kept. They were everywhere. In every room. Under your bed. In end tables in the living room. In the filing cabinet. In the guest room closet. In the basement closet. In the safe. And then I found picture book after picture book that you made of different experiences. Like your trips to Europe with your sister. You loved pictures for sure and those are something Abby and I just couldn’t throw away.
I began staying in your house and you were everywhere. That house is all you. The furniture. The window coverings. The precious moments in your cabinet. The palm trees that light up. The views of the lake. I began sleeping in your bed and could feel you all around me. I felt comforted by you when I was there.
After we had cleaned out everything from the house and before I left your house for the final time, I laid down on he carpet with my arms outstretched in the same spot where you took your last breath. I looked up to the tall ceiling and felt you were with me. Telling me to “go on”.
We considered leaving the house vacant all winter but your good friend JoAnn asked us if we would ever consider renting out your house. We didn’t want to sell it quite yet. I hadn’t thought about renting the house but after meeting the individuals that had been renting from her for a long time, Abby and I decided it would be a great idea to have someone in the house instead of letting the house go empty. They have been amazing and are taking great care of your home.
I began traveling the world again. And this time I planned to make sure I was out of the country for Thanksgiving, one of your favorite holidays. You hosted Thanksgiving dinner at your house for years and it just felt better for me to be out of the country without any holiday influences around. I wasn’t ready to face the holidays yet. Ironically I was in Turkey on turkey day!
I’ve traveled the world for long periods of time over the past couple of years but traveling has been different this time. In the past, no matter where I was in the world, there was always an internet connection so we would constantly communicate through WhatsApp. You would always calculate the time change and give me a call on your way to work or on your way home. Usually you would be winding down for sleep as I would be waking up in Southeast Asia somewhere. We would video chat and I would show you my surroundings. You always said how you loved to learn about the world through me. It was like you were with me no matter what.
While I was traveling, it seemed like each day I saw something amazing and I had to send you a picture to share it with you. And even though I used to get annoyed whenever you would ask for my flight details or my hotel information, the past couple years I didn’t hesitate to send you my travel information.
You see, shortly after I left my corporate job at the end of 2017 and traveled for most of 2018, I had so much time on my own to think. And I remember thinking how I shouldn’t get upset sending you the information because I knew that you cared. You are the one person in my life who always wanted to know what I was up to.
It finally hit me: one day you wouldn’t be around to ask for my flight details and hotel information. And now that “one day” is here. Abby is busy living her life with her kids and new career. My friends are busy focusing on their families. They are all living their lives as they should. I don’t have someone to check in on me like you consistently did. To just give me a call every other day or so. It’s not like my friends and family don’t care, they are doing the same things they have always done.
It’s just life for me has changed. You aren’t here anymore. We had such a special bond. You were my person. And I was your person. You had a life of your own too but you always were thinking of me. Just like I was always thinking of you. We had something that was rare. A mother-son bond that was unbreakable. And now I’m trying to navigate this physical life without you here.
I’m still always thinking of you. Over the past year there have been so many moments when I want to pick up the phone and share what I am doing with you. I was driving my rental car through Kruger National Park in South Africa in December. I was on a remote dirt path alone and came across this beautiful troop of giraffes in front of me, herd of elephants out my window and zebras on the other side. I stopped my car, turned off the engine and just took it all in. I reached for my phone because I wanted to FaceTime you to share this moment with you. A true once-in-a-lifetime sight if we are lucky.
You didn’t pick up but I got goosebumps. I shut my phone off, looked over at the passenger seat and felt you sitting next to me. I can see your smile and your expressive eyes lighting up taking in the stunning sight of nature all around us. I felt the warmth around my body knowing you were with me. I can still feel your awesome hugs and hear that fun giggle.
If I had it my way, I would have avoided being back in the States for Christmas this year. I had been with you in person every Christmas for my entire life. And this year I was dreading the Christmas holiday that has meant so much to both of us. The thought of your beautiful Christmas tree that gave me such joy year after year kept appearing in my minds eye. I tried so hard to avoid the holiday because avoidance brought me comfort. I realize avoiding isn’t the healthiest option however I felt this year was ok to avoid.
Every year I would fly ‘home’ to see you for the holidays. Now that you aren’t here, I’ve been struggling to know where home is anymore. You were my home. And now that you aren’t here and your physical home is rented, I feel lost and don’t really have a home. I’m trying really hard to be as present and I can. I know one day I will figure it out.
I decided to fly back the USA for Christmas to be with Abby, Brandon and Breanna, and I am glad that I did. This may be one of the last Christmas’ where the kids truly believe in Santa Claus (and Charlie their Elf). It has been special to experience Christmas Eve and Christmas day with them since I am not sure I will ever experience this with children of my own.
Your tombstone was finished and placed at your burial site in November. In the afternoon on Christmas day, I told Abby and the kids that I was going to the gym but I knew it was time to go visit you. It was a gorgeous, sunny day with unseasonal December temperatures in the mid-fifties. I drove in silence for the twenty minute trip into the country from Abby’s house. I had been blocking out all Christmas music on the radio and I looked the other way when I saw Christmas decorations. I didn’t want any type of reminder about the Christmas holiday this year.
Not seeing a cloud in the sky, I drove up to the small cemetery in the country happy to know I was the only Earthling there so I could let go without holding back. I could see all of the stones jutting out of the brown looking grass. I turned into the cemetery and saw the shiny black granite tombstone sitting all alone. I welled up and let the tears flow. I grabbed a pack of tissues, got out of your car and walked over to look at the stone for the first time.
It was beautiful and classy, just like you. Your favorite lighthouse etched onto the front with such a happy photo of you and Mike on your wedding day on the back side. “Live. Laugh. Love” etched down below, sharing words with those that didn’t know you about your everlasting spirit and how you lived life each day. It is one of the most beautiful stones in the entire cemetery. And it makes me proud. You deserve nothing but the best.
I sat down on the long concrete runner and placed my hands on the cold stone. I hung my head and sobbed. I tried talking to you but I couldn’t get a word out as I became overwhelmed with deep emotions. I thought about your hugs and wished you were giving me one in that moment.
As the tears slowed and I used up the full pack of Kleenex eventually making a small pile next to your stone, I began telling you all about the past year. How I launched my book and created my travel company. And I told you all about my upcoming goals and dreams. But I guess you know all of this because you were right there listening to me.
I just had to be with you on Christmas day like I have been every year of my life. After I spent over an hour with you, a great sense of calm and peace came over me. All of the feelings of avoidance and sadness had ebbed away. I’ve been missing you so much and it felt really good to be with you again. I really needed that time with you. On the way home I turned on the radio to listen to Christmas music!
It’s been a year now since you shut your eyes. I had always thought to myself that I would become so distraught that I would barely be able to live after you left me. The sadness certainly has been unbearable at times. Some days I just wake up crying and can’t stop. And most days I think it is just a bad dream. Since I have been traveling a lot over the past two years around the world and chatted with you a lot on the phone or via text, it still just feels like you are at home and we just haven’t spoken in a while. It feels that I will see you when I head back your way.
I thought I’d be a wreck and not able to function. But overall I’m doing ok. Of course I want you here with me now but I understand that we both have no control over this thing called life. And when you were here with me, I gave you everything and you gave me everything. We didn’t hold back with hugs or words or thoughts or feelings. You were my person and I was your person. We will always have that, forever.
I was with you to the very end. I have no regrets and did everything that I could possibly do to help you transition. I told you everything I wanted you to know.
People feel grief for longer periods of time because they leave something undone. My advice to everyone is to let it all out there. Don’t wait for “one day” to come to finally tell your loved one what is on your mind. If you are holding a grudge, make sure you will be comfortable with the current feelings when the other person passes. Because you may never be able to resolve it “one day”. If aren’t comfortable with them passing and holding on to what you want them to know, make sure they know today. And never hesitate to tell those you love every day how much you love them.
Mom, you lived your life to the fullest every day. You taught me to love, to laugh and to live. To dream big and know that I can have anything in this world that I want. I miss you so much. I can’t believe it’s been a year since you left us but your spirit lives within me every moment. I feel you all around. And I am so proud to call you my mother every day.
Thank you for watching over me, Abby, Breanna and Brandon and Mike. I know you are with us every day so thank you for that.
I love you to the moon and back,
Cory
