I wonder how many people stop and ask themselves “am I truly happy?” And how would you know if you are happy or not? If you think about it, most of us go about our lives on some sort of autopilot. It goes something like this:
- Wake up to an alarm
- Get ready for work
- Go to work
- Work
- Come home from work
- Dinner
- Relax
- Go to sleep
Rinse and repeat: Monday. Tuesday. Wednesday. Thursday. Friday.
And the weekend comes when we rest and relax with our family and friends (or let loose somehow). January. February. March. Ok ok, you get the point. One year to the next and to the next. With many life events occurring along the way: births, Birthdays, first days of school, graduations, weddings, reunions, deaths. Life just moves along. And over the years we have good times and we have hardships: the ebb and flow to life.
So as you move through life, with the ebbs and flows, how do you feel? Do you ever pause to check in with yourself? And if you do check in with yourself, how do you know how you feel? Would you say you are happy overall? Even in tough times, can you be happy? And when you aren’t happy, how do you know? And how do you become happy again?
Ok, ok, ok…. If you are still reading, let’s breath from the bombardment of deep, sometimes (slightly) rhetorical questioning.
CONTEXTUAL REFERENCE
First, let me back up a bit to give context of why I write this. I believe that I am a very happy person. And I feel that I have been happy for most of my life. However over the past couple years, I have felt that I haven’t been as happy as I have been in my 20s and earlier 30s. And I started thinking: how do I know that I am unhappy (or not as happy as I have been)? And then that led me to ask myself, “how do you know when you are happy?”
Second, I must admit that I am not a psychologist and do not have formal training on this subject. However I have read numerous self help, spirituality and meditation texts over the past 20 years that have helped me form my thoughts. Happiness is a long term, constant truth and not a short term “high”. Therefore happiness should be sustainable. Even when we have low points in our lives, happiness should return with some positive thinking. Happiness shouldn’t go away forever.
HAPPINESS PRINCIPLES
There are certain principles that I believe are true about happiness. While these items below may make you feel happy temporarily, these things do not create long term happiness. I would think many people do believe that these things can make you happy over the long term, but I would disagree.
Here are the happiness principles:
- Money does not make you happy
- Having a lot of nice things or a nice house or a nice car does not make you happy
- Other people do not make you happy
So this must mean happiness comes from within and not from something outside of you. It is a self-generated mindset. An attitude of sorts. Happiness is a state of mind that is generated over the ebbs and flows of life.
So I got back to my question: how do you know you are happy if you aren’t really paying attention? I guess for me, I began to notice that I was not happy. And it was during the time of my last relationship when I began to notice my (un)happiness. But the same principles that I listed above remain true for unhappiness also.
PERSONAL DECISION CAUSED UNHAPPINESS
And wait, if the same principles above remain true, then another person cannot make you unhappy. So my unhappiness sounds like a contradiction, right?
But for me, it was my decision to remain in the relationship that created an unhappiness. It wasn’t the person I was with who made me unhappy. The person I was with in the relationship was being the person they were meant to be. That person was not intentionally doing things to make me unhappy.
Deep down I knew the relationship wasn’t a long term outcome for me. The relationship eventually created anxiety for me. I tried to overcome this feeling and thought I could spend energy to overcome this deep, inner feeling. Spending energy was all a decision that I made on my own. And this decision caused unhappiness. It was my choice.
Ending the relationship didn’t initially create happiness. I have had to really dig deep into my feelings to unwind what I had created. I have remained patient since the relationship has ended and I have kept a positive outlook.
UNHAPPINESS DUALITY
While I have been on my current journey, I have discovered that my decision to stay in the relationship was not the only thing that caused unhappiness. It seems that the unhappiness was twofold and built up over time.
The second part of my unhappiness was remaining in a corporate job. A job where I was required to remain in the same physical “office” location every day which made me feel tied down. Of course I loved many parts of my job however the demands of a corporation began to take its course on my happiness. My attitude towards “career” has been evolving into thinking that I don’t want to work for someone else anymore. And that I do not want to have to go to the same physical “office” location each day. This evolution of my “career” thoughts hit a point that I was unable to tolerate – an inflection point.
This duality led me to begin asking the tough questions, to take myself off autopilot and to listen to myself. It has created my current journey to learn more about what makes me happy in life. To begin to adjust for this unhappiness. To course correct. Because at one point earlier in my life it wasn’t difficult to understand what made me happy (or maybe I didn’t think that deeply about it until I became unhappy).
MY DEFINITION OF HAPPINESS
Happiness is doing the things that you enjoy. And making the decisions in your life that produce sustainable positive outcomes, which could be achieving goals you set for yourself to attain. And taking moments during your day to breath.
Happiness is a mindset. Happiness is a choice: someone can choose to be unhappy, however the concept of choice is difficult for some people to understand. Happiness must come from within, not from something outside of you.
WHAT NOW?
Instead of living your life on autopilot and one day getting to a point where you feel its “too late” to make any changes, think through these simple steps to trigger some personal thoughts on happiness:
- Check in with yourself occasionally. Ask yourself if you are happy. Do it alone, in a quiet place and preferably during a part of the day where your mind is fresh (instead of tired).
- If you feel happy, great. Note what is going well for your mental state and why.
- Think of how you sustain this mental state and potentially account for “down” moments in life.
- If you aren’t happy, this is ok. Go back to times when you were happy.
- When you think of happy times in your life, note why were you happy. Note your mental state and the decisions you were (or weren’t) making.
- Think of what happened or what changed in your thinking that created unhappiness.
- What would it take to change the unhappiness?
- Sometimes changing the unhappiness could require making large life changes. First, remain positive. And then begin making small adjustments to create happiness again. It won’t happen overnight, but set a plan for yourself. What can you do each day to bring back happiness?
And don’t be so hard on yourself. I truly believe we were born to be happy human beings. To smile and to enjoy this life we were given. Yes, life certainly has ups and downs. But it is how you choose to react to life’s ebbs and flows that helps defines your life.
Have you gone through a happiness transformation – finding a way to become happy again? It would be great to hear your story and share with others. I truly believe in the power of healing through others. Sometimes hearing someone’s story will help others overcome what they are going through. Feel free to leave a note below in the comments or send me a private message (cory@thereiscory.com). It would be great to hear from you. We are all in life together!
