This article is part of the series “One Moment At A Time” about my family’s journey as we celebrate my mother as she bravely fought brain cancer. Feel free to subscribe below to receive periodic updates about our journey in your email inbox. Thank you for your continued support during this challenging life moment.
MOMENTS OF QUIET
I woke up in the stillness this morning. In the quiet. Just like I always had each day over the past two months when I was taking care of my mother. I’d walk upstairs from the basement, walk through her kitchen and turn the corner of her high ceiling living room to see her quietly sitting in her spot on the long blue couch. And she would turn her head and smile at me. “Hey Cor” she would say. Even though she was constantly sleepy and tired, she always had enough energy to smile when she saw me.
Today was the first time I woke up at her house since she passed. Alone. I turned the corner into the living room and looked around. Today she isn’t physically here. I heard the manual clock in the kitchen ticking as each second passed. I looked at her spot on the blue couch and imagined her smiling back at me saying “Hey Cor”. I sat down next to her spot as I usually did still imagining she was there and looked over to where her head once rested. My eyes caught the sparkle of small pieces of her silver hair that remained poking through the couch fabric.
I wish I could grab her hand and give her a big hug, just as I usually did. But it is quiet. It is still. I look towards the beautiful white wood shelving that surrounds the large black flat screen TV. Picture frames of all kinds – wooden, metal, silver, gold, black, red – positioned neatly on the shelving, each surrounding precious snapshots of time. Smiles of happy times from the past beaming back at me. And there is my mother. That radiant smile that everyone remembers. Smiling back at me.
Two large crows catch my eye through the living room window as they swoop down into the icy white yard outside. They crow as they softly land in the snow. I stand up out of the couch and take a few steps forward to watch the black creatures through the large window. The window that creates a gorgeous view of the frozen lake continuing far off into the distance that my mother so deeply cherished.
Everything is motionless. The trees. The flag hanging from the flagpole. The snow on the frozen lake. And then I realize that I am standing in the same spot where my mother took her last breath. Where Mike, Abby and I sat surrounding her. Holding her hands and touching her shoulders. Helping her cross over with each slowing breath. Encouraging her to go to a better place.
SHE’S EVERYWHERE
It has been eleven days since my mother has passed. The past eleven days have been filled with planning and organizing and meeting and greeting. All moments to fill my mind with something to do. But in between those moments, I have begun to have moments of silence. Moments where my mind has time to think.
But the moments have been beautiful moments. Like last evening as I was driving to my mother’s house. I saw a beautiful sunset driving west in her car filled with shades of brilliant pink and bright orange colors. And as I looked off to the south, as the lowering sun beams were careening off the wispy clouds, the clouds miraculously spelled my name. I had to do a double take to make sure I wasn’t just seeing things. I looked away for several seconds and then looked back. Sure enough it was still there written in the clouds: C-O-R-Y. My mother certainly was telling me that she was there in those quiet moments.
I sure do miss her. I want to hug her. To hold her again. To hold her hand. To see her smile. But I know that it’s not possible in the physical sense. I only can feel it in my heart. And I do. As I wrote in my last letter to her, I am proud to be her son. And it warms my heart to know how proud she was, and still is, of me.
MY HEART IS FULL
It’s easy to underestimate the love surrounding each of us, all the time. To understand that someone is truly thinking of us at random times throughout each day. The texts that I have received over the past couple months telling me that someone is thinking of me. I stop and think, “wow, someone is taking time to write me a text because I popped into their mind.”
I think back to all of the cards that I have received over the past couple weeks. And not just receiving a card with a generic saying, but receiving a card that someone took extra time to pen thoughtful words onto the blank areas.
And seeing the endless line of people to wait their turn to see my mother for the last time. A nonstop flow of people taking time out of their day from 1:30pm when her colleagues were able to attend all the way through 8:00pm when I hugged the last person. I certainly didn’t need validation to know that many loved my mother, but the experience of seeing and feeling the love that my mother gave, only to receive it in return was an unforgettable gift.
Then finally looking out across the 300-400 people – funky sunglasses and all – that attended my mother’s Celebration of Life at the place where she gave 29 years of her life. My heart sang as I experienced the love for such a respected woman in the community. A role model for all of us. Someone that we will never forget. Someone that will continually make us better human beings through out the rest of our lives, even when she isn’t physically with us. Someone that I will call mom for the rest of my life.
I have developed a deep sense of peace throughout the past couple months and especially over the past couple weeks. To know that my mother will live on in all of us. That she will never be forgotten. And that her impact will continue to be felt now and into the future. That we all will strive to live like Mel.
WILL YOU BE MINE?
Today is considered to be the best day to express your love and care for your special one. According to the dictionary, “a valentine is a card sent, on St. Valentine’s Day (February 14) to a person one loves.” Today is a day for sharing our care with our loved ones, friends, enemies or foes.
While my mother will always be my Valentine, I want to channel my inner Mel and invite each of you to be my Valentine. On a day where we often buy things to let others know how much we love them, I wanted to extend a simple “I love you” through my writing. Something that I am proud to have learned has touched and inspired many other lives. So this year, I’m hoping all of you will accept my invitation to be my Valentine!
And while words certainly don’t come close to conveying the heartfelt love I have for you, I want each of you to know how forever grateful I am for everything you have done for mother, for me and for my family throughout this journey. The outpouring of love is something I will never forget. Each touching moment gave us all strength to persevere and wake up each day to stay as strong as we could. And teach us to never forget what is important in this journey called life.
LOVE IS LOVE IS LOVE IS LOVE IS LOVE
My best friend’s mom created and led my mother’s beautiful funeral service last week. And her message was so perfect, especially on a day like today. She brought up the Bible verse 1 Corinthians 13:4-8.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
And she stated how most of us have heard this read at events like weddings and on days like Valentine’s Day but never at funerals. But she said that this verse was most fitting for Melanie because it is what Mel embodied each moment of each day. Something that we all can continue to perfect in our lives.
As I listened to the words softly spoken in the A-framed church, I couldn’t help but to smile. The sunlight filtered through the stunning multi-colored stained glass windows at the front of the church and poured down onto my mother’s resting casket. Hearing the beautiful words, it felt strange to be smiling at my mother’s funeral. I felt like I should be super sad with tears in my eyes.
But it was in that moment that my love for my mother grew even stronger. That I knew she would always be with me. That I was the most proud I have ever been to be her son. My heart was the most full of love that it has ever been in that moment. I could feel my heart bursting with love energy. And I could feel all of the love throughout my body. I was 100% full of happy. I was the lucky one.
It certainly is true that my mother will be missed. We will each have our moments of quiet where tears fall down our cheeks wishing she were physically here with us once again. And the remembrances, like rainbows appearing the morning after she passed, will pop up to know we are changed for the better because we knew her. But it makes me beam with joy and happiness to know she is loved. And will be loved forever. Not just by me, but by the thousands she touched and probably even more lives than we ever will know.
She is loved.
She is love.
Love is love is love is love is Melanie. My mom.
One moment at a time.
Cory,
I love reading your writing! I loved your Mom & I love you! I look forward to seeing what life will bring you or where life will take you! You are an incredible reflection of the love your Mom blessed you with. 💙
Aunt Stephanie