Until We Meet Again

This is the last letter that I wrote to my mother. And I read this letter aloud at her funeral service hosted at the West Unity United Methodist Church, West Unity, Ohio, on Friday, February 8, 2019.

Dear Mom,

You and I.

I don’t know where to begin.

You and I have something beyond words can explain. You are part of me. And I am part of you.

You are my protector. You are my hero. You are my rock. You are the one person I think of every day of my life. You are my person.

You and I have this uncanny way of knowing when we needed to talk. Whether it was when I was in New York or Florida or someplace around the world. I called you or you would call me, and sure enough, the other person would say, I was just thinking about calling you.

If there was anyone on this planet who was meant to be my mom, it was you.  I am so proud to be your son.

But I am most proud of your impact on others. And your impact on every life that you touched. You taught us lessons without us even knowing they were lessons. But it wasn’t in a “this is what you need to do” way. You led by example. Yet you followed your heart in each moment. You were guided by your love for others.

You have taught me so many lessons throughout my life.  And its hard to only talk about a few. But when I sat down to write this, three main themes popped up immediately. You taught me to give, to love, to live.

The first lesson you taught me is to give. When I look up selfless in the dictionary, your name comes up. You gave up yourself to make others happy. You never complained. And you were so happy as a result. Over the past two months, I have heard from so many of your colleagues at the school tell me how they miss your beautiful smile. How you were there each morning saying hello to all the children coming into the school and smiling.  You always made people feel welcome. Even towards the end, you were making sure everyone around you was ok as we helped take care of you. But even early on in your life, you delayed your teaching career to raise my sister and I. To make sure that we had you as our primary caretaker until we were old enough to take care of ourselves. I will never forget your selfless acts of giving.  It is an incredible lesson for all of us.

The second lesson I will hold with me forever is your unconditional love for others. It is how we should all love. To love unconditionally. With no restrictions. To appreciate everything we have without judgment. To love and appreciate each moment we have.

Your love will always be with me. I can remember my struggles growing up. When I didn’t fit into the societal mold. Being bullied by my classmates and coming home crying each day. You would be there to hug me and tell me that it would be ok. That I would be able to get through that moment and become stronger as a result.

I’ll never forget the night I came out to you. How you hugged me not really knowing what the word gay meant. You thought it meant that I was just really happy.  But you told me that you loved me no matter what.  I look back and think how you were born on a farm and never knew anyone that was gay. So you were able to love on your own – without anyone telling you how to love – your love was pure.  And while you may never fully know the impact that you had on me that night, you changed my life forever, for the better. To know that you were my champion.  My hero. To know that I was loved unconditionally, with no restrictions. No matter what.

And last, you taught me how to live. I can remember you telling me from an early age that I could be anything that I wanted to be when I grew up. That I could be the President of the United States if I put my mind to it. It was you who fueled my ambition to be the best that I could be at anything I did. To become student body president at Ball State University. To move to New York City and work on Wall Street.  To leave my corporate job after 16 years and follow my passion to travel the world. To finally write the book that I’ve always wanted to write. And now I’m going to dedicate my first book to you. But I think there will be many more books in my future as a result of what you have taught me.

I’ve always asked myself the question: What is a life anyway? And over time, I’ve realized that a life is the sum of all the moments that we experience. All of the moments. All of the memories.

It’s hard to realize in the moment that we are creating memories. Memories that will last a lifetime. And to enjoy the present moment for all that it is. Even right now, we are creating a memory together that we will always remember. A moment in time. A moment full of love. Each moment in time. Each hug. Each kiss. Each smile. Each tear. Each “I love you”. It’s the collection of these moments that make up a life.

And the hard thing for us as humans is that each moment ends. There is no way to hit the pause button. To freeze these moments in time. The only thing we can do is enjoy each moment as it comes: even the moments of heartache. Like the moments over the past couple months when we wanted you to be back with us, as you once were. But we made those moments for what they were. We enjoyed them. We laughed. We cried. We hugged. We danced. We sang. We drank. We ate. We loved. We experienced those moments. We experienced them together.

And when I think back through your life, I know that you gave each moment all that you had.  You lived. And you gave it all with love. There are many memories and moments that come to mind when I think about you.  And Just like one of your favorite songs in your favorite movie, “The Sound of Music”: These are a few of your favorite things:

• Your Family:  Your family came first. You wanted everyone to be together. You loved your family so deeply. And I know that your mom and dad are so happy to see you. You are together again.
• Your Husband Mike:  It is evident more than ever how much love that was there between the two of you. Even though it was six years together, its beautiful to see that you left us at the happiest point of your life
• Your friends: You adored your friends. And friends, you had many: Teacher friends, high school friends, card party friends, lake friends, Red Hats friends, Non-Red Hat Red Hats friends, Mary Kay friends, college friends, neighbor friends. You had so many friends!
• Parties:  You loved a good party. Especially at the lake.
• Card games and Mexican Train: you always seemed to win!
• Goofy sunglasses: one of my favorite memories of you driving your pontoon boat with the flamingo on one side and the palm tree on the other.
• The Weather Channel:  Jim Cantore was always on the TV. And I can just see you now trying to predict if school will be canceled.
• The Young and the Restless: Mike and I now can’t wait to see what happens with Victor and Nikki since they are back together (for like the 10th time).
• S-U-C-C-E-S-S (sorry, I had to throw in an inside joke).
• Flowers:  Everywhere I go, I will always see you when I see brilliantly colored flowers.
• Wine & TGIF: You loved discovering new wineries and drinking out of your fun wine glasses.
• Chocolate: chocolate and more chocolate.
• And your love of Lighthouses.

For anyone that has been inside of your house, they will undoubtedly see a lighthouse.

There is a lighthouse on a ledge high in your living room. Lighthouse lamps. Lighthouse pillows. Lighthouse calendars. Lighthouse ornaments. Lighthouse cookie jar. Lighthouse salt and pepper shakers. Lighthouse soap pump. The quilt on your bed is patched with lighthouses. It would be hard to miss a lighthouse for sure.

And when we traveled together, we always had to stop at the lighthouses along the way. And we would have to climb up each step inside of it. We had to get to the top to look out and see the view. That beautiful moment high above everything where your eyes can see for miles.

And as I think about lighthouses, I think about them standing tall. The tall column juts into the sky and it doesn’t waver. Even in bad weather. They are always there in the sunshine, the fog and the darkest moments. They are there to help protect people. And to protect precious cargo. And they look out over everything high above making sure everything is alright.

As I was walking around your house over the past several days, it occurred to me that you embody all of the elements of a lighthouse. You are the light to always protect us. You stand tall in our darkest moments. You stand proud. That no matter what kind of weather we have. Sunshine. Rain. Or moments of darkness. You beam at us and tell us that we will be ok too.

When I first traveled out of the country, to France when I was 16, I can remember how worried you were about me, because you loved me so deeply. And how you were so worried that you got hives while I was away. But I’ll never forget one of the few conversations that we had over the phone when I was there. You told me to pull out this book that you had hidden in my bag.  It was this story of a boy and his mom being far apart. But whenever they missed each other. All they had to do was look at the moon and know that they both were looking at the same moon at the same time.

And now that you aren’t physically here, I know that you will always be looking at the moon every time I am looking at the moon. That you will always be with me no matter where I go.

Its so hard to say goodbye to you. It’s hard to understand why God wanted you back. But it’s something that we will never understand. And it is something that is out of our control.  It’s not up to us to know why.

I was so honored to be next to your side during this part of your journey. To be there every step of the way. God certainly had a plan – a plan that brought me back before Thanksgiving from traveling the world and to allow me to have a couple months with you at your side before you needed to cross over.

But the one reality that we face is that life continues on. The moon continues to glow. The earth continues to spin. The flowers continue to grow. The sun will continue to rise. Life goes on. We must go on and live. To live like you lived.

It comforts me to know that you will be ok, no matter what. I may never get to hug your physical body again. Or be able to hold your hand. But I will somehow find a way to move on. And I know that every rainbow I see, every moon sighting, every sunset I see, every beautiful song that I hear, every tear that I shed. I will think of you. I know that you will be with me forever. Your light will always shine day or night. In rain or in snow. You will be there guiding us. Just as you always have.

I am so proud to be your son.

I love you to the moon and back.

I will love you forever.

Until we meet again.

Your son, Cory

MELANIE B. SUTTER MEMORIAL SCHOLARSHIP

If you would like to make a contribution to the memorial fund that we are creating in our mother’s name to provide to a student that is interested in pursuing a degree in education or another field that will aid others, please CLICK HERE to donate. We want to continue my mother’s beautiful legacy by helping others. Help us reach our goal!